


Coffee and Gunpowder

by MikkiAnanas



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: AU, Coffee Shop, Fluff, M/M, coffee shop AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-28
Updated: 2013-08-22
Packaged: 2017-12-13 06:04:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/820865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MikkiAnanas/pseuds/MikkiAnanas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian Moran works at a barista at your typical cozy coffee shop in London, when a dark, handsome stranger walks in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the beginning of something moderately awesome

**Author's Note:**

> this is the best story ull ever read

Okay, so there was this nice quiet independent coffee shop down on the corner of Refusal Boulevard and Ovuim. It had like this sugary floral feel to it, like a cream-colored hipster blog on a warm late-summer afternoon. (I swear im profesional at this writing thing)  
In the coffee shop worked a tall, blond, scarry dude with a constant five-o'clock shadow and a brooding look as a barista. He created such a bad, on-edge feeling around him that it was quite a miracle the nice, homey coffee-type place even wanted him there in the first place. He wore the pink, floral uniform that was required for any employee in the coffee shop, but somehow there were always stains of blood on them. No one dared ask how they got there, in the fear that it would be their blood tomorrow. His name was Sebastian and he was as hated as he was feared  
One day, at around 10:14am on a breezy May morning, a short Irish criminal-looking Irish guy went into the shop to buy cappuccino with sugar and cream. He had dark features, pale skin and an apathetic look on his face, and Sebstian would later learn that he had lips that taste like gunpowder (omg look at that thats foreshadowing)  
And he was all like: "Hey, man, I need a cappuccino wit sugar and cream.", and Sebastian answered with a cool and professional: "Yeah, sure" and made his fucking coffee, and then the Irish guy (who btw had the least audible irish accent ever so its kinda weird how everyone knew anyway) Whatevs, he went away wihout thinking much about it, and neither did Sebastian, because people don't just fall in lvve at first sight, shit heads.  
He returned though like a couple of days later, because that floraly coffee place had some damn good coffee (and some pretty lousy donuts but thats a story for another day), and this time he asked the barista (who was still Sebastian because that place had like two employees and a dishwasher) to write his name on the cup. Sebastian got really pissed at Jim (that was the Irish guy's name), because this place wasn't starbucks. The two of them shouted a bit at each other, because Jim wanted his name on the cup, and Sebastian said he fucking hated writing names on cups. Then that other person that also worked there emerged from whereever the fuck they had been before that and solved the conflict by furiously pointing a a flowerly embroided sign that read "customer's always right", so Sebastian wrote Jim on the fucking cup and spit in it too, because he hated losing debates. Jim never noticed and left the coffee place with a false sense of security and purpose in life.


	2. The Bloodstained Hands of Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian and Jim finally talk when they bond over a common interest in serial killers.

So, as it was, Jim the Irish Guy returned to the coffee shop that was conveniently named "Piink 3lephants". He came in every weekday at 10 am for his hot cappuccino, and every wednesday for a cafe latte, and unbeknownst to him Sebastian snickered at him every fucking time. That was until one day, when Jim was standing by the counter, leaning on his elbow and with a smug smile on his face reading a newspaper article with the bold headline: "BLOOD-OBSESSED MURDERER STRIKES AGAIN". He giggled a little too loud and made a little too obvious reactions while reading through the text, obviously trying to get Sebastian to comment on it. 

Sebastian sighed loudly when he put the coffee on the counter, his face expression as dead as it was possible without actually dying.

"Whatcha readin, shitlobster," he asked, and Jims face lit up with a sudden joy.

"About the Bloody Bastard, that's all. " he said as casual as it was possible while wearing the face of a child in a candy store with no security at night.

"The Bloody Bastard?" the barista repeated, his face seemingly stuck in a 'i'm so tired of ur shit' expression.

"Yeah, haven't you heard? His is a genius murderer who carries out his kills with a precision and cleverness worthy of much appreciation as the finest piece of art, by cutting of the hands and feet of his victims and drowning them in their own blood before they get the chance to bleed out?" his eyes gleamed.

"yeah i have heard of that maniac, but i think they just call him the blood-loving fuckhead, you know."  
"no they don't he's the bloody bastard, the manic maniac, the blood-stained hands of god." jim persisted  
"no, u lil shit he's not, hes not even the bes active serial killer, you know"  
"What do you mean he's not he best he's brilliant, there are none like him!" JIm exclaimed, putting a little too much emotion into the case of a serial killer he claimed to never have met  
"no there's that other really cool guy, i hear hes really ahndsome, who snipes people. they never even see him coming. He is the Executioner of Precision, the Devil's Soldier for Hire, the master of destruction."  
"no hes stupid and dumb"  
"well then you're stupid and dumb,"

"no i'm not u lil shit"

"you bloody little fucktrumpet, you can go shit a jellyfish."

 

Their arguments were getting heated, and just before Jim through the hot coffee in the baristas face, the other employee appeared and stopped the figth with his magic fight-stoping powers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls rite reviews im so lonely, but only happy ones or els i cry.


	3. Fatal Scones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim returns to the Coffee Shop, and action occurs

The short Irish guy kept returning to the coffee shop, and for each visit Sebastian grew increasingly tired of his bullshit. On one particular morning, Seb greeted him with a cold "Whatcha want, you fuckfish?"  
"I want my bloody coffee, you florally twat" Jim answered, having prepared his insult beforehand  
"We ain't serving no bloody coffee."  
"This is a fucking coffee shop, you piece of shit,"  
Sebastian halted for a moment, thinking of a witty comeback. When he found nothing, he poured Jim his bloody coffee and considered making it literally bloody coffee.  
"Here is your sour fucking coffee," he said as he handed the coffee over the counter and considered pouring the hot liquid out on Jim's hands.  
"You're a fucking shit barista, know that?" Jim commented as he took the cup.   
Sebastian considered throwing a scone as Jim's face. Sebastian threw a scone at Jim's face.  
After impact, Jim didn't react for a full two seconds. He stared down at the scone on the floor, processing what had just happened. Sebastian processed the foolishness of handing Jim a weapon just before opening fire.  
Jim realised this too and threw the coffee cup after Sebastian. Unfortunately, he was a rather poor shot and missed the barista by several feet despite standing right in front of him.  
"Im gon burn u" Jim declared, and so both sides opened full fire  
Sebastian took cover behind the counter while he feverishly threw the scones from the counter at Jim, but he was already running quickly out of ammo. Jim leaped for the food on the other customer's plated throwing with great force after Seb, thinking he'd make up in power what he lacked in precision.  
The battle was horrid, and both sides suffered great losses. They were panting, covered in crumbs and glazing after seconds and after a minute both sides were picking up scones from the floor. Three civilians fell in the battle, one of them lied on the floor screaming, his hands covering the eye that had suffered the impact of a high-velocity scone.  
The waiter appeared to find the source of turmoil, and took a projectile to the face so hard he fell to the floor immediately.   
That other employee from that other encounter rushed out and threw himself in between the two fronts, screaming at Sebastian and screaming at Jim, and then screaming at no one in particular. Sebastian ended up pouring another coffee in which he put bread crumbs from the floor in and Jim left, feeling a little too pleased with himself.

**Author's Note:**

> no, fuck you, i did my best


End file.
